by

Sue Collins, RN

Most of us have either done it ourselves or assisted someone else in cleaning out an apartment or ahouse after the death of a loved one. In a word it is Overwhelming! Stuff is everywhere. Where do we even begin? Why would he or she have kept the baby shoes, the broken teapot, the worn jacket?

Nancy and I had a gratifying email from a woman, who had read our book OK Now What? A Caregiver's Guide to What Matters as she sat by her ex-husband during his last weeks. As she read the book, she went from feeling resentful of him and all his stuff, as she anticipated sorting through and disposing of all the “useless crap” he had accumulated to “Now I understand why (there was so much useless crap) and why it’s not worth fretting over.”

Because people die the way they live.

Recently I’ve noticed a trend among several friends who have started going through their own houses room by room discarding or re-homing stuff. A lot of stuff. I noticed it because I had read an article about author Margareta Magnusson’s book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning.

Among my friends who are doing this death-cleaning, which often is prompted by some kind of downsizing or move, the conversation is: “The kids are not interested in our stuff.” (It’s come as a shock to some).

There seems to be no interest in stuff from grandparents that my friends feel a sentimental attachment to. They don’t want the antique “hand-me-down” furniture, even when the quality of the construction with dovetail drawers is pointed out.

They don’t want the silverware that our parents and grandparents used for Thanksgiving since stainless is cheaper and goes through the dishwasher. They don’t want the china, the vases that grandmother put her prize roses in or (God forbid!) our “collectibles.” Those Staffordshire dog figurines that in your grandmother’s day would help pay tuition are now considered nothing but dust-collectors.

For a few friends this attitude sparks some resentment. Some friends have romanticized passing on a perceived family treasurer only to be told, no thanks, not interested or it's not my style. Often it’s quite a blow, even though much of the stuff has been boxed and put away unused for years. Perhaps that explains the children's lack of interest. They attach no memories, precious or otherwise to our stuff.

So, what do you do with all the stuff? One friend had an auctioneer come evaluate their stuff. She and her husband were shocked that even the auctioneer wouldn’t take the old furniture. So, it all went off to consignment shops, Habitat for Humanity and Goodwill.

So, my advice to my friends is: for the “precious’” things that have been packed away, bring them out of the boxes, take pictures of them and use them, at least once before they go. Initially this process can conjure up a bunch of emotions. But those who have completed this task express feeling lighter and glad their children won’t have as much stuff to sort out when they are gone. Honestly, there always seems to be plenty of stuff left even after the cleaning.

The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning encourages decluttering at any age. But the title got my attention. My thought was that maybe it would be better called Pre-Death Cleaning, because my experience is once a person becomes terminal or in the fight for survival, cleaning is never a priority. My cousin had to hire a lawyer to close out her husband's business. His last six months was spent in a continuous loop of chemotherapy, ICU admissions followed by a week of recovery. So maybe author Margareta Magnusson is on to something, especially for those of us sliding into the homestretch of life. The reader who emailed us after reading OK Now What? Understood – finally – that her husband would die the way he had lived, surrounded by the stuff that either held memories (like grandmother’s silver) or that he had been too lazy or disorganized to sort through. And now that he was down to the last mile, it was the human connection that mattered. To both of them.

So, I’ve been going through my stuff, too, wondering why we kept it tucked away, unused for so long, and I’m bringing it out, using it, and, if the kids don’t want it when we go, I’ll find a new home for it now. Pre-death cleaning.